The Top Ways to Increase Your Chances of Dying Young

25 Nov 2013


Smoke a lot

This one’s a classic. With over 4,000 chemicals all teaming up to give you every form of cancer imaginable you’re taking at least 10 years off your life.


Eat lots of hamburgers

And preferably have them raw. There’s nothing like a solid influx of cholesterol and saturated fat to clog your veins.


Sit for more than 11 hours every day

By doing this you are actually increasing your chance of dying in the next three years by over 40 percent.


Go BASE Jumping on weekends

If you thought skydiving was dangerous then you’re still a rookie at this. BASE jumping has a fatality rate over 43 times higher.


Don't eat broccoli

Or any vegetable for that matter. They are full of vitamins and other good things that might counteract some of the destructive efforts we’ve already implemented.


Wrestle a polar bear

We don’t have any statistics on this one but we’re pretty sure it can’t be good for you.


Pig out on sugar

Besides going blind, having your arms and feet amputated, and getting all the blood in your body run through a filter three times a week diabetes can shave nearly 15 years off your life.


Visit Yakutsk, Russia in winter with nothing but a windbreaker and flip flops

It’s the coldest city on Earth with a population of over 100,000 people. Temperatures can reach -60 degrees Celsius (-80 degrees Fahrenheit).


Run with the bulls

Angry animals with horns chasing you down narrow streets sounds like a death wish to us.


Stress over everything

If it’s not a big deal, then make sure it’s a big deal…everything needs to be a big deal. High levels of stress can increase your risk of heart disease, diabetes, and even cancer.


Gorge on processed food late at night

Full of heart clogging fat and an army of impossible to pronounce chemicals, when combined with unnecessary stress processed foods are sure to hasten your demise.


Become a Navy Seal

Given their reputation it can come as a surprise that Navy SEALS don’t really die very often. Remember what we said about stress though? It kills you slowly.


In your offtime go be an Alaskan Crab fisherman

Often cited as the most dangerous job in the world, these guys die all the time. Icy waters, storms, 20 hours shifts, eternal darkness, and lots of moving parts are sure to take their toll.


Be a hermit

Numerous studies have shown that loneliness in old age is a quick way to destroy your health.


Never exercise…ever

Even a little bit of exercise every day has so many good health benefits that it would be best just to avoid it altogether.


Start a business in Russia without paying off the Mafia

Under most circumstances this is probably the least advisable thing you could ever do.


Try to steal Jackie Chan's lunch money

See how happy he looks in the picture? That is the exact opposite of the way he will look when he is in the process of shorting your life.


Use krokodil

This cheap Russian alternative to heroine rots your flesh from the inside out and the pictures coming out of Russia have not been pretty.


Move to Zhengzhou, China

This smog ridden city is the most polluted in the world. Combined with smoking…guaranteed lung cancer.


Now move to Ciudad Juarez, Mexico

If Zhengzhou doesn’t cut it for you then moving to the most dangerous place in the world outside of declared war zones will.


Go sunbathing on the White House Lawn

Between snipers, attack dogs, and other super advanced robotic anti sunbather weaponry this should be one of your last resorts.


Become a drug dealer in Chicago

With one of the highest levels of violent crime on Earth, Chicago’s gang and drug industry has an astronomically morbid turnover rate if you can follow.


Whatever you do never visit Japan…or the Mediterranean

Sure, the Mediterranean countries might get a bad rap for being lazy and just relaxing all day…but guess what? They live very, very long lives. This is absolutely not where you want to be.


Insult Kim Kong Il while visiting North Korea

This is more like it. If there is any place on Earth guaranteed to decrease your life expectancy, North Korea would certainly be a contender. Add a public insult to Kimmy Il and you can probably count the seconds you have left on one hand.

1   Comment ?
Mr. Ree 9 year s ago
If you're white, move into a black neighborhood. Your chances of being murdered will increase 61%. Fly a Confederate flag from your house and the chances increase to 84%.
Greet all of your neighbors with: "What up, my nigga?" and you will be guaranteed dead within a week.


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