It’s that time of the year again. Some of you will be taking your SO to your parents’ place to celebrate the holidays. Only thing is, these trips tend to be longer than just a couple nights, so chances are hormones will bound to get the best of you. Here are some best common practices when trying to do the sexy time under your parents’ roof.
This may be stating the obvious here, but always wait until the parental units are asleep. That means wait until the TV is completely off. Also, remember that Dad likes his late-night Oreos. Wait for those late-night visits to the fridge for eggnog to have already happened.
Have super-early morning sex. Set an alarm if you have to. You fall back asleep like a baby before you realize what happened. Just remember to brush your teeth before.
It’s key to pick a position so it looks like you’re spooning. Just in case someone does barge in, you’ll both look innocent enough.
You know damn well that guest beds are usually noisy as hell. Do it on the floor for more concentration and less distraction.
Or better yet? Sneak into a shower together. But again, make it snappy.
If the parents have a basement, utilize it to its fullest potential. Go and stay there, so they won’t check on you as often.
There are a few chores you can partake in to get out of your parents’ hair. Make a voluntary trip to the grocery store for yams. Just make sure to pull over at your secret spot before you head back home. But don’t get into too many details on how you found the spot back in high school. That’s a conversation that will instantly kill the mood.
Go do some laundry. The noise from your parents’ appliances will actually drown out the noises you make with your SO. Plus you’ll have clean clothes after!
If you’re running out of places in the house, check the closet. Chances are you two can fit in the nearest walk-in that nobody would ever check.
Still determined? Suggest camping outside for the night. A little obvious if it’s freezing outside, but it will be worth it.
Wear easy-access clothing. You never know when you’re going to get a chance to sneak one in. Better to be prepared to get it on at a moment’s notice.
Netflix and Chill is still very possible. Just make sure there are a lot of blankets covering you. Oh, and minimize friction. Static shocks suck, especially when it’s on your most-prized possession.
Casually sneak a towel in the crack of the bedroom door. Now that it’s practically bombproof, you won’t be able to hear anything from the outside.
Encourage your parents to a nice night out together. In fact, offer to pay for their date. Boom. Their house is all yours.
Clean up after your mess. This isn’t a Red Roof Inn. It’s best portray yourselves as awesome and considerate houseguests, not sneaky sex fiends.
And if all else fails, and your parents do hear you, just tell them you were watching Boogie Nights.