Sex Was Quite Peculiar In Ancient Times

Catherine the Great, Empress of Russia during the 18th Century, employed “foot ticklers” to get her juices flowing. The ticklers were usually eunuchs who would also read and tell obscene stories to help get the Empress “in the mood” for sexy time.

The very first cock rings were made using goat’s eyelashes. I am not making this shit up. I wouldn’t do that. The sex toys, commonly used as early as 1200 A.D. in China, were used to enhance stimulation. You can still purchase the goats eye variant today.

We laugh and joke (I hope we’re joking) that “anything can be a dildo if you’re brave enough,” but people are out here taking that sh*t seriously. In fact, the very first dildos were made of stone, which considering this was 28-thousand years ago, it’s really a shocker I guess. It was that or wood, and I imagine those splinters were a real bitch to get out.

Ever hear the term “heavy petting?” Well, there’s a reason it exists. In the 1920’s, when not-too-prude women wanted to tickle their fancies, they would go to organized “petting parties.” These were legit parties where the point was to round the bases, but hold at 3rd.

They were really letting their closet freaks out back in the day, because pornography apparently exploded in the 20’s as well. And I’m not talking about lifting the skirt and showing some ankle skin, I’m talking full-on intercourse.

Hysteria (anxiety, irritability, nervousness etc.) in women was apparently a huge problem in the Victorian Era (some things never change AMIRIGHT?). To treat the issue temporarily, doctors would give them a “pelvic finger massage” and I don’t think I need to explain any further, you’ve seen this porno.

Speaking of pervs, King Edward VIII was a regular at a French brothel named Le Chabanais—one of the most exclusive places in Paris at the time. In fact, the dude spent so much time there, and was so obese, they created a special “love seat” for him to use while doing le freak. The chair can now be found in your mom’s closet.

Nowadays, if you’re feeling the need to release your seed, you probably just hit up the internet. Back in 18th century London where prostitution was legal, however, you would buy and consult a “sex guidebook” that would list the sex workers in your area. The books had prices, appearance, techniques—essentially, if it’s in your pornhub search bar, they probably listed it.

But that’s not all, these people were partying like it was 1999 because sex clubs were totally the tits in the 1700’s, particularly Beggar’s Benison in Scotland. The horny club-goers would get together at these locations and read banned books such as Fanny Hill or have sex with the more “open” women. Sound like your kind of club? Well initiation consisted of beating your meat into a shared bowl and then drinking out of a dick shaped mug.

Romans were some horny little freaks. By 300 AD, there were as many as 45 brothels in the city already. Not only that, they were so busy, they remained closed until late in the afternoon. I’m sure that had something to do with cleanup. According to census’ around that time, there were as many as 32,000 legal sex workers in the city.

But, it wasn’t just Romans hitting up these debauchery dens. So many foreign soldiers went into the brothels, that the Romans created special “coins” as currency to break through any sort of language barriers. Each coin had different sex acts pictured, which determined its value. Choose your coin and get way you pay for—literally.

More about those horny Romans: instead of using soap to cleanse themselves, the preferred to soak in oil, then scrape it off with a sharp tool called a strigil. Freak alert: many of the aristocratic women would further satiate their lust by purchasing the oil scraped from their favorite gladiator’s bodies… ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

One of the most popular forms of early pornography was listening to erotic poems performed by minstrels. These naughty rhymes were called fabliaux. Some of the more popular titles were: “The Maiden Who Couldn’t Hear Fuck,” “The Knight Who Made Cunts and Assholes Speak, “The Priest Who Peaked” and I am just gonna stop while I still have a job.

In a time when women were expected to be virgins on their wedding nights, particularly freaky women had to really get creative. According to some accounts, in order to seem more virtuous, women would put a leech on their labia the day before the marriage, this would form a small sore that would then break open and bleed during sex and holy shit why am I writing this…?

I am all about women’s right, other than leeches on their junk, but what the fuck, France? In a time when divorce was all but legal, one way for a woman to get out of marriage was to prove her husband was impotent. That’s right, no little blue pill for these twisted fuckers. The man would have to fondle himself, in court, IN FRONT OF A JURY, to prove he could get it up, if he wanted to remain married.