There’s a fine line between a numerator and Denominator.
Only a fraction of people understand that joke.
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer.
I gave ’em my too weak notice.
The wife caught me cross-dressing.
So I packed her things and left.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
Well, I’ve got some news for her.
At a recent job interview I was asked about my background.
I whipped out my phone and showed him that it was a picture of a dog eating spaghetti.
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the Ark Hives.
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothesline.
I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
What’s green and smells like pork?
My girlfriend says I have commitment issues!
Well, technically she’s my wife.
What did the saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
“If we don’t get some support people will think we’re nuts”
A man is asked to go to the store by his wife.
She tells him – “buy me a gallon of milk, and if they have avocados, get me 6.”
When man returns from the store, the wife asks him – “why did you get 6 gallons of milk?”
He replies, “they had avocados”
Circumcision is barbaric and cruel.
I didn’t speak to my parents for a year after I was circumcised.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
Did you hear about the guy who died during a penis transplant?
He will be remembered.
I hear voices telling me to do things I don’t want to do…
“Take out the trash”
“Do the dishes”
“Clean the litter box”
Why did I get married?
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way. Doctors cannoli do so much,