Well, These Movies Are Almost Porn…

Antichrist

If you’re looking for a film that demonstrates both unsimulated sex, grief and severe sadomasochistic genital trauma, this this is your movie. Director Lars Von Trier has admitted that the sex in the movie is real, albeit done with porn star stand ins and clever editing. But based on the insane shit that happens in the movie, the real intercourse and boobies you get to see just isn’t worth it.

Caligula

This erotic historical drama about the rise and fall of the Roman Emperor Caligula, was produced by Penthouse founder Gob Guccione and starred an amazingly sexy Helen Mirren in a starring role. It also featured several Penthouse Pets as extras in the unstimulated sex orgies, that apparently were a thing in ancient Rome.

If historically inaccurate porn is what you’re looking for, this has the best production values that 1979 Hollywood can offer.

Nymphomaniac

In keeping with the Lars Von Trier theme, this film compares and contrasts a reclusive’s love of fly fishing, with the exploits of a nymphomaniac.

This film is notorious for two reasons; the first is that the uncut version runs for 5+ hours and people actually bought tickets to watch it in it’s entirety in theatres. The second notorious feature is that it had major actors simulating sex, but then digitally composited porn star genitalia actually having the sex.

Blue is the Warmest Colour

This French coming-of-age erotic romance film, is essentially subtitled French lesbian porn. Mind you, the story is far better than your average PornHub video. In it, the sex is explicit and raw, yet fake genitalia was used. Regardless, it’s still pretty steamy.

9 1/2 weeks

This 1986 erotic thriller starring Kim Basinger and a pre-bad plastic surgery Mickey Rourke, was deemed to explicit for American audiences when it first came out. There’s a lot of sadomasochism, masturbation and intense sex, that it pretty much checks off all the top boxes of any porn connoisseur.

Basic Instinct

We all know why this film is on the list, with that famous interrogation scene. Man, I nearly tore the Blockbuster VHS’s tape in half from rewinding and pausing that scene over and over again during the course of a weekend. This film was nice and dirty, and that how we liked it.

Showgirls

Most will consider this to be a box office bomb and/or the worst film every made. I consider it the time I got to see Jessie Spano’s boobs. Sure, there was a lot more nudity and sex than mainstream audiences expected, and the acting was sub par, so it was easily confused as porn. But it wasn’t; it was a legitimate Hollywood movie.

Say that with a straight face.

The Dreamers

While Last Tango in Paris is the smutty film that Bernardo Bertolucci is best known for, he’s also got this one under his belt. Filled with Eva Green’s full frontal nudity, it’s the story of two French twins (male and female) and their American exchange student lover.

It’s actually surprisingly poignant and beautiful and incredibly erotic.

Secretary

This erotic romance film hits one of the most common themes for your porn selection; the submissive secretary. It might not be the most explicit on the list, but it’s still definitely soft-core with some full frontal, spanking and masturbation.

Eyes Wide Shut

This erotic thriller is notable for pairing a real life couple as the main characters, as well as that whole secret society orgy with the Venetian masks thing.

If you’re into creepy sex, then this will definitely titillate you.

Last Tango in Paris

This film was incredibly censored when it came out in 1972 and was even given the X rating. Can’t say I blame them, especially with the way Marlon Brando uses butter.

Lie With Me

This Canadian film is surprisingly dirty, with it’s unstimulated sex scenes and full frontal nudity. Pretty risque for the most polite country on earth, eh?

Y Tu Mamá También

This film plays into the younger men/older women genre, mixed in with a road trip movie. It ends up being more melodramatic than your average porn, but there’s still a lot of sex going on.

The Brown Bunny

This is probably the most notorious example of unstimulated oral sex in the history of film. That’s pretty all that’s notable about this film.

Love

Not only are all the sex scenes in the film unstimulated, they’re in 3D. That’s a lot of genitals, boobs and bodily fluids coming your way.

Shame

In this beautifully shot film, there’s a heck of a lot of sex going on. Given that our lead character’s got a sex addiction, that makes sense.

Whole lotta boobies on display, as well as Michael Fassbender’s little bender.