Prison Workers Have Some Really Insane Stories

I was escorting a nurse down a row. The nurse carries a “food slot” bar which is basically a piece of rebar used to open up the food hatch on the cell gate. As she opened one of the food slots the offender decided to place his piggly wiggly on the tray. The nurse immediately reared back and slammed his junk with the food slot bar which caused blood to spew everywhere. He was hospitalized.

There was this older inmate and while he was out working food service a group of like 5 rival gang inmates robbed his cell blind. He found this out and went around telling everyone he was going to kill the dudes that robbed him. He went back to his cell and the 5 dudes rushed him. He was ready though. The second the “leader” of those dudes hit the door frame, the old guy threw a boiling cup of baby oil, magic shave, and battery acid on them. The smell, my f#@king god, burnt people don’t smell nice.

There was a prisoner who would put staples in his skin and just under his skin. One day he had an infection and was taken to the emergency room where they removed several thousands staples from his body.

Every 15 mins you have to walk around and look in all the cells. In 15 minute increments I watched a dude make a toilet paper and blanket representation of his cellmate, then proceeded to f#@k it senseless while the cellmate tried not to watch.

He named it Fifi.

I had a homemade blowdart covered in feces and urine shot at me, but my puncture proof thrust vest caught it thankfully. The whole incident happened because I told him I wasn’t going to allow him to go outside to the rec yard.

A buddy of mine is a guard at a women’s prison. He once had to confiscate a jolly rancher sex toy. These craft women collected jolly ranchers and molded a rainbow colored shaft. The wrapped it in saran wrap from the kitchen and passed it around

One of my friends once was walking past an inmate cell. The guy looked at my friend while he had his cock out and said “this thing has brought me nothing but trouble.” At which point he pulled out a shank, sliced his penis clean off, and threw it at my friends face.

I worked maintenance in corrections and on Superbowl Sunday a few inmates s@#t in the chili and tried to get the guards to eat it.

There was this one prisoner who would constantly cover himself in his own feces. He didn’t stop there as he would hang himself still covered in s@#t. When inmates hang themselves guards have to try and save them, so the guard who held him up would be covered in s@#t.

One of my old roommates worked in the county jail. He came home one day stone faced, so I asked him how work was. All he said was “I saw a guy eat his own shampoo, then uncontrollably puke and s@#t himself… That’s how my day went.

Two prisoners were trying to kill a third prisoner. The shank broke, so they put a pen in his ear and stomped on it. It came out of his mouth and he lived.

One guy was trying to strong arm another into holding drugs for him. The second guy refused and a fight ensued. Second guy pulls out a broken pair of scissors he had concealed and stabbed the guy 33 times. There was blood everywhere in that little building. Miraculously the guy survived.

An inmate in segregation got very upset that he didn’t get some paper a CO promised to get him. F#@ker ripped off his own big toenail and cut up his arm with it.

One time I was putting leg irons on a guy and I smelled what I thought was a fart. As I sarcastically thanked him for crop dustin me, I pulled his left pant leg up to secure the other part of the restraint device, a turd fell right on my hand. It takes a second to process the fact that someone literally just s@#t on you.

Inmates in a level 5 yard bunk up two to a cell. One inmate decided to pledge himself to his celly for life by allowing him to cut his testicles out with a repurposed safety razor blade.

Much blood, 0/10 would not recommend.

Easter Surprise. It’s Easter morning and one of the inmates thought it would be a brilliant idea to get completely naked and shove a toilet scrubber all the way up his a$$ so the only part visible was his bristled “bunny tail”, he then proceeded to scream that he was the Easter bunny while trying to hop around and avoid the oncoming guards.