Everything Is A Sex Toy If You’re Brave Enough…

Hate washing your sex toys after a few goes? Get something disposable and biodegradable, like bananas. You can even buy them in packs of 5-6 so you can self diddle (almost) all week. Just watch out for those black spots.

That buzzing isn’t just great for removing plaque, it’s also wonderful for knocking off the cobwebs between your legs. Just make sure your roommate knows which toothbrush is which. Or don’t.

OK, so this is less of a toy and more of an accessory if you will, but it’ll really take the bite of the edges of your sex banana. Sure, Astroglide will have you slip slidin’ away, but sometimes the mood strikes and you’re not stocked on booty lube.

Tickle and tantalize your most sensitive pieces while also keeping them cobweb free. Turn it around and cleaning the house has never been more fun for the ladies.

More like “spank-tula” AMIRIGHT?! If you’re into that fringe s@#t or just crave a little spank, this popular kitchen utensil will have you flipping for joy. Spatulas really slap.

Whether you want daddy to choke you or bind you, that old belt is good for hours of pleasure. Just because it’s made to hold your gut back, doesn’t mean you can’t let your freak out.

“Sit on my facetime.” Hold on, I’m gonna patent that s@#t, besides, do you really need directions on how to use a vibrator? Someone really had foresight when they came out with the saying, “Reach out and touch someone.” Though this is probably not what they had in mind.

You’ve been giving her your pearl necklace for years, time to swap beads. Drop the temperature by throwing them in the fridge, or add some lube, either way there’s plenty of pleasure to be had in that jewelry box.

Instead of ring around the posies, let’s play ring around the penis—a scrunchie makes a great cock ring.

Listen, I’m no 40-Year-Old Virgin, but I’ve been around the block enough times to know all about the detachable shower head. I’m not a fan of jet streams of water hitting my sensitive bits, but women apparently are.

I mean, it’s essentially a vibrator wrapped in a pillow that fits perfectly between your legs. Husbands, she’s NOT buying this for the plane. She’s buying it for later, probably while you’re not home.

Finally, something my prude a$$ has tried! If it’s the motion in the ocean, and not the size of the ship, why not get your own wave machine?