"While inside me: ‘Just a sec, I need to feed my Tamagotchi.’"
"He started talking to the ghosts that were apparently watching. He claimed to be like the kid from The Sixth Sense."
"I dated a guy who was very full of himself and had nicknamed his own penis ‘Son of God.’ He used this nickname as a setup so during sex he could say: ‘Are you ready for the second cumming of the Son of God?’"
"Right before he finished, he called me by his mother’s name, then started crying."
"I was having sex with this guy and right in the middle he said, ‘Are you still friends with Lisa, that tall blonde? I wanna fuck her so bad! Call her!’ Needless to say, not only did I not call her, I called ~him~ a few choice things."
"‘Your vagina is so warm, you could bake bread in there!’"
"He looked me dead in the eyes and said, ‘You got it from your mama,’ while inside of me. He had never even met my mom. He also made whiny dog sounds the entire time and when I asked what he was doing, he said he was making the sound that dogs make when they want more affection."
"He used the Yoda voice."
"A guy asked if he could cut me just a little so he could lick the blood. I left rather quickly."
"He stopped mid-stroke and said, ‘I’m gonna make like a bunny and bounce,’ then pounded like Thumper. We’re married now."
"After having sex, he told me there was something wrong with my vagina because he’d never seen one like mine."
"My husband and I were getting hot and heavy and he stopped to ask, ‘How much credit card debt do you have?’ I was definitely not in the mood anymore."
"My ex told me my vagina was ‘frothy’. I think he wanted to say ‘wet’ in a sexy way and just had no idea what frothy meant."
"I was hooking up with an older guy when I was 18 and he looked at me and said, ‘Those boobs are going to breastfeed some nice babies’. I’m sorry, what?"
"One guy thought it was sexy to recite his own poetry to me during sex. It was exceptionally bad poetry too, but he was so in love with himself that he was sure he was Shakespeare reincarnated."
"We were having sex during this quarantine period and he stopped to say, ‘Man, what a year!’ It was so out of place and now it’s become a running joke between us."
"I took off my pants and he said my underwear was his mom’s favorite color. I put my pants back on and left."
"My ex-husband stopped mid-thrust and said ‘My hands smell like onions,’ and then made me smell them."
"‘You’re slicker than snot down there’. I laughed because it was so bizarre. We are still together!"
"We were almost finished when he yelled, ‘Fuck! I didn’t feed the hamster!’ then finished and immediately fell asleep. He didn’t own a hamster, and he never had."
"He called me his majestic little chicken! I never did find out why!"