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#7 "I have moments where I’m like, “wow, this seems early for this.” Like, this is something that happens to me a lot. I’ll be sitting watching TV or doing nothing, and all of a sudden I’ll realize, “I need to wipe my ass right now.” “I mean, nothing happened, but I really gotta wipe my ass right now. Right now.” Gotta make trips to the bathroom just to wipe my ass. How does this happen already? I’m 45. Already, my asshole’s like the waistband on old pajama bottoms, Just kinda loose and ineffectual. My asshole’s like a bag of leaves that nobody tied up. It’s just sitting on the lawn, full and open, puking leaves onto the grass with every wisp of wind. Some kid kicks it over on his way home from a tough day at middle school. “Rats.” That’s a pretty accurate description of my asshole." -Louie CK