1

"One time I made love to a stack of bathroom towels."

2

"I ended up making out with and going home with an attractive but completely crazy woman who used to hang around our local bar. Back at her place she puts on her Lauren Hill CD, strips completely naked, attempts to dance provocatively (we were both pretty drunk) and starts giving me a bj. It was at this point her 18 year old son wandered into the lounge and started protesting violently about what was going on. She tells him to fuck off and huge argument erupts between them – remember she’s drunk and naked and I’m sitting on the sofa with my jeans around my ankles and a rapidly deflating hard on. I came to my senses, zipped back up and gtfo. Apparently she’s currently doing time for violently assaulting and attempting to stab her boyfriend, so I think i got off pretty light."

3

"Not me but my step brother when he was a teen put his dick into the mouthpiece of a plastic flute and “blew” himself. My step mom walked in on him and now every few Christmas he gets one as a gag gift."

4

"Called my ex to come visit me on a night shift. Then we banged all around the office, kitchen, the worst of them all now in retrospective, bean bags in the chill zone."

5

"Went to buy a vibrator from a local large supermarket and bought a happy birthday card and gift bag with it too so it looked like a gift."

6

"October 30, 1991. I walked eight miles through hurricane force winds on Nantucket Island to spend the night with my girlfriend."

7

"Joined a sperm donation app, and met with a girl from there on a whim."

8

"Stuck my dick in a vacuum cleaner hose."

9

"Drunkenly called a phone sex line, but was so horny and drunk that I didn’t clue until after I hung up that I had used my father’s landline instead of my cellphone. That was an awkward talk the next day."

10

"Jerked off in the private work bathroom forgot to lock the door and the new guy walked in on me and he quit a week after."

11

"Masturbated to the archer queen in Clash of Clans."

12

"Jacked off in my car waiting for my friend in a job interview and he got to the car right when I was cumming and he saw me."

13

"Tried to hire an escort from tinder. Sent her a $35 “deposit”, and she unsurprisingly ghosted me right after. I was 18 and dumb as a box of rocks."

14

"The standard… fucked myself with a vegetable, masturbated at work, sexted some guy from back in the day, etc."

15

"I smelled my friends mom’s panties that were on the floor and did a dry heave because it wasn’t good at all."

16

"Jerked off on the freeway on the way home from a trip to my girlfriend’s place (still horny) and missed my exit. Had to drive an extra 50 miles on an alternate route to get home."

17

"Paid for not one but two porn subscriptions. 2 years later was going through my credit card statement and noticed two charges I don’t recognize that month. Went back and checked previous months and they all had these charges.

Called this suspicious looking payment processing company and, slightly indignant, I asked the agent what these charges are for. She bluntly told me the names of two famous porn sites. There was a pause. I said “oh” and hung up.

I’ve been paying for porn for two years. I think I used those sites for less than a month… then went back to the free ones. Takeaway? HD porn does not enhance the jerking off experience."

18

"Might be vanilla compared to everyone else, but my gf at the time still lived at home (strict parents) and we were on a date when we she gave me the “take me” look. I lost all self respect and spent my last $30 on a shady AF motel room. We banged and left a half hour later. We still laugh about it today (Married 14.5 years!)"

19

"Jerked off in a walmart dressing room and wiped my mess on the seat. I was 13. To whatever walmart employee that had to clean up my load I’m so so sorry."