"Women rarely fuck their step-sons, if ever."
"Unfortunately, no. You cannot fuck your way into a free pizza. Believe me, I’ve tried."
"Rubbing a woman’s clitoris like you’re trying to start a friction fire is not in fact a turn on at all."
"I can promise you wholeheartedly, lesbians ARE NOT fingering each other with long acrylic nails like they’re Freddy Kruger."
"The majority of humans don’t have gorgeous mansions to bang each other in."
"Men, listen to me. 5 inches IS NOT SMALL."
“Missionary sex is boring.” Yeah, only if you’re a boring person! The last thing I need is a Charley horse while I’m trying to have an orgasm.
"Plumbers actually show up to your house within 5 minutes of hanging up the phone. WRONG."
"I’m constantly bombarded by local MILFs in my area wanting to meet up. WHERE ARE THEY?"
"Contrary to what porn has taught us, it turns out my sister’s friends aren’t wild sex fiends who want to plow me all the time with no strings attached. *Shrug*"
"Not all female orgasms are ferocious and loud like it’s The Exorcism of Emily Rose."
"For the most part, public masturbation NEVER ends well in real life."
"I legitimately thought more women would be hosing me down with ‘squirt’ like a waterslide. They aren’t."
"“Women LOVE deep-throating.” Bro…what??"
"Spank her butt all you want. But fellas, if you think your girl’s vagina needs to be slapped before she can come, you shouldn’t be having sex."