How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

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Instink

How Long is a Chinese name.

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Yes. Yes it is.

If you cut off your left arm

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Your right arm will be left.

Scientist: “My findings are meaningless if taken out of context.”

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Media: “Scientist claims his findings are meaningless.”

My wife called me saying three girls in the office have received flowers for Valentine’s day, and that they’re gorgeous.

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I said “Well that’s probably why they got flowers then.”

What must you have if you want to crash a train?

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A loco motive.

On the train today I saw a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself: Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…”

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But she did.

Why to people with foot fetishes never win?

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Because they love the taste of defeat.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at another woman for 20 years.

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But when I got out of prison it was worth it.

The best pizza I’ve ever had was just a plain dough base.

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Nothing ever topped that.

When I tell people that I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased.

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When I tell people that I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased.

I’m taking an Irish and Spanish history class.

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It’s called History Juan O’Juan.

When a woman gets to a certain age, she starts to accumulate cats.

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This is known as many paws.

My first job out of high school was delivering fish.

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I used to stand in the river, mopping the fish’s head, and just comfortingly saying, “Deep breath, now push, push again, you’re almost there…”

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s gag reflex. We both had a nice little chuckle over it.

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Until I realized we have different dentists.

I was going to make animal obesity jokes…

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But I decided against it as it would be hippo-critical.

Ever wonder why Ariel wore seashells?

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She outgrew her B-Shells.

Doctor: Today we will deliver the baby.

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Dad: Actually, we would like for her to keep her liver.

I was fired from my job today for telling a woman that her hair smelled great.

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They’re just discriminating against me because I’m a midget.

What is Hannibal Lecter’s favourite Japanese food?

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Rawmen.

Would the person who schedules girls at brothels be called…

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…A whoreganizer?

Australians don’t have sex.

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Australians mate.

I’ve started going to the gym and I was able to drop 10 pounds already.

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Thankfully, the dumbbell missed my foot.

What do you call a kid who finally stood up to bullies?

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An ambulance.

I was having trouble finding myself a singing partner.

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So I got myself a duet yourself kit.

I can’t even count on one hand the number of times I’ve survived frostbite.

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It’s three.

I’ll never forget my dad’s last words…

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He needed a blood transfusion but we didn’t know his blood type… he kept telling me to “be positive”, but it’s really hard without him…

007 recieves a new mission… to infiltrate a party and mingle.

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His orders are to, “bond James, bond”.

Can he kill him with a throwing star?

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Shuriken.

20 years ago I asked my crush to prom. Today, I asked her to marry me.

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Both times, she said no.

A security guard asked me where I was between four and six.

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I said “Kindergarten.”

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

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Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Can we change the topic please

What do a horny walrus and a Tupperware container have in common?

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They’re both looking for a tight seal.

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

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These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I get ignored so much

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My name should be ‘Terms & Conditions.’

What is the fastest pastry in the world?

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‘Scone.

What do cannibals say before giving high-fives?

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“Give me some skin.”

How do you describe someone with a bad sunburn?

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Appealing.

My buddy was dating twins I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied:

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“That’s easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache.”